The Mystery Kids Hogwarts AU One-Shots
by Misty Dawn Tomorrow
Summary: This is a unique set of one shots that might not make sense to the majority of the fandom due to how many random characters and OCs there are. This was mostly written for my friends on Discord and to ease my boredom.
1. Detention 1

"This is all your fault." A young Ravenclaw boy with glasses and a cowlick hairstyle glared at the Irkin kid, annoyed beyond words. He was cleaning the floor.

"Zim has no idea what you are talking about, Dib-_Stink." _The Irkin Gryffindor boy held his head high while he scrubed the walls, ignoring the glare.

"Do you always have to talk in the third person?" A first year Gryffindor boy asked.

"More often than you would think." Dib answered when Zim refused to.

"You don't say?" The Gryffindor boy, Kaito, smirked. "So, you guys come here often?" He pulls out a pack of cards and does an astounding vanishing trick. For a wizard, he didn't really like magic. Real magic, anyway. He prefered the ways of a magician, doing tricks that you needed years of experience to cast a spell to replicate. It was impressive, even if it was just a trick.

"It's all Zim's fault. He tampered with the potions because some other Irkin kid mocked him for being in Gryffindor. Then I tried to stop him, but Professor Wilson caught us both fighting and breaking stuff, so he put us in detention... with him."

"The Dib-Stink wouldn't have been punished if he had just stayed out of the way."

"He would have failed!"

"HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE CROSSED ZIM!"

"Alright, that's enough." Wilson was leaning up against the wall, watching the exchange. "All I'm asking is that you clean up this mess that you made, then you're free to go."

"Then why am I here?" Kaito asked, making the deck reappear again.

"Because you need to make up for the prank you pulled on that girl." Wilson replied.

"I said I was sorry!"

Wilson sighs. "Just put the cards away and help."

Kaito puts the deck up reluctantly and grabbed a rag, whiping down the counter.

They continued to clean up the mess, Kaito showing off a bit of his magic tricks, Zim and Dib sending each other death glares, and Professor Wilson just observing. After an hour everything was cleaned up.

"Alright, you're free to go, Kaito."

Kaito grinned. As he walked passed Dib and Zim, he said, "Good luck." then left.

"Zim, next time don't put your classmate's academic future on the line as a form of revenge."

"Zim will consider this."

Wilson nods. "You're free to go."

Zim left. Wilson turned to Dib. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with Zim all the time. Next time why don't you just talk to me before immediately jumping to challenging him to a duel? Your only on your second year and you two have been each other's nemesis since day one."

"I can't just let it go. Zim won't rest until he proves himself to the rest of the Irkins. And I have to stop him before all of this blows up in Professor Dumbledore's face! I mean no offence to him, sir, but how in his right mind did he think it was a good idea to allow Irkins into Hogwarts?! They are nothing but trouble, and giving Slytherin an even worse name! How that maniac ended up in Gryffindor instead is beyond me."

Wilson sighed. "Dumbledore's decisions can be questionable at times, but I trust his judgement. Just be patient and keep your focus on school. And the sorting hat is never wrong. I'm sure Zim will show his Gryffindor colors in time."

"Whatever. In the meantime I've got to be the one to keep him out of trouble."

"If you say so. You're free to go." He turns and heads out of the room, leaving Dib alone to wonder, _'Why me?'_


	2. Sorting Ceremony: Dib and Zim

Dib stared at the group of green alien kids. Aliens. In Hogwarts. And Dumbledore was responsible for this. Apparently this has been going on for almost a decade, and not only was he and the other students banned from revealing the Irken race to the rest of humanity, they were expected to just accept it?

"Irken, Tak."

As soon as she sat down, the hat immediately shouted, "Slytherin!"... of course it did. Dib frowned. Why did they even bother giving Irkens a sorting ceremony? All Irkens were Slytherins. There has never been an exeption.

"Hello, _Dib_."

Dib groaned in annoyance. Great. _He _was here too. He met the crazy Irken at Diagon Ally, it was his first encounter with a real alien. Just imagine his horror when he found out that not only was Zim's identity known, he wasn't allowed to turn him into the government on pain of expellsion. It would have been pointless anyway. The magical community would have just wiped the memories of any government official that he alerted.

Dib turned to glare at him. "_Zim._ What are you doing here? Figured you would have been expelled already."

"Zim will not be ex-spe-elled! You will fall before me!"

"Pfft. As if. Your a trouble maker, and I won't rest until the entire staff knows it!"

"YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ZIM!"

A few of the students shushed him.

"ZIM WIll NOT BE SILENCED!"

Professor McGonagall loudly cleared her throat. "Irken, Zim."

"Ah, finally!" Zim immediately ran up to the stool and plopped down. As soon as the hat touched his head he jumped up, ready to join the Slytherin table... the hat remained silent. He looked somewhat confused, continuing stand. Dib smirked. Maybe Zim wouldn't get sorted at all. Maybe he just didn't belong here after all.

**_"Hm... interesting... very interesting..."_**"What is interesting? Zim demands an answer!"

**_"You don't have to speak out loud, you know."_**"ZIM WILL DO AS HE PLEASES!"

McGonagall put her hand to her face.

A girl with red hair and short curly pigtails standing next to Dib smirked, speaking to him in a british accent. "This has gotten entertaining."

**_"Ah, just as I've seen, bold and daring, and quite reckless. You posses the drive, cunning and ambition just the same as the rest of your kind, but... there is something... more."_**"More? What do you mean by that?... TELL ME!"

Dumbledore watches with interest.

**_"Yes... you are different from the rest of your kind. I see now... you shall be-" _**"GRYFFINDOR!"

The great hall goes silent for a few moments, but for Zim it felt like an eternity. His eyes go wide with disappointment and disbelief. He felt his antenna fall. No, this couldn't be... he was an Irken... all Irken's were Slytherin, the house of cunning, of ambition, of greatness... him? A Gryffindor? It couldn't be!

Dib stared, mouth agap. This was some mistake. No way that annoying little alien was a Gryffindor. He was a Slytherin through and through just like the rest of his kind!

Eventually the Irkens started chattering amongst themselves, casting occasional glares at Zim. Zim growled.

"NO! ZIM IS NOT A STUPID GRYFFINDOR! ZIM IS A SLYTHERIN!" He looks at McGonagall. "Tell this stupid hat that it has made a mistake!"

Dib frowned. Was Zim... begging? No, that was stupid. Zim would never beg, especially not to a human, no matter what level of superiority they had over him.

McGonagall looked at him with a small amout of sympathy. "I am sorry, Zim, but the hat does not make mistakes."

"Then tell it to change it's mind! Zim cannot be a Gryffindor!"

"Zim, I must ask you to sit down at your designated table."

Zim makes a few odd noises before shoving the hat in her hands and sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table. The Irkens continued to whisper among themselves, a few chuckles could be heard.

The red-head girl elbowed Dib hard, but non-hostily, grinning. "Well, he's a piece of work, isn't he? This has got to be one of the most entertaining sorting ceremonies this place ever had for that slimy green alien alone! And to think we get to spend every year with him..."

Dib grimiced, speaking sarcastically. "Yeah, fantastic."

Time passes as Dib waits for his turn. He still can't believe it. Zim. A Gryffindor... surely the hat made a mistake this time, right? There was nothing that he saw in Zim that could be anything but Slytherin... right?

"Membrane, Dib"

Dib walked up and sat on the stool. The hat hummed thoughtfully.

**_"Hmm... strong willed, fiercely determined... cunning and ambitious as well, with a brilliant mind to boot... but where to put you... not Hufflepuff, for sure..."_**Dib waits patiently, silently hoping to not be put in Slytherin with the other Irkens.

**_"Not Slytherin, eh? Well, you wouldn't be the first... are you sure?"_**'Yes."

**_"You love to solve mysteries of the unknown, the paranormal, find answers to questions yet to be asked. You are determined to achieve these goals, espeically your goals involving the Irken boy Zim..."_**

"Uh..."

**_"Very well, then... better be-" _**

"RAVENCLAW!"

Dib sighs in relief, actually glad that he was put in the house for those with quick wit, knowlege and curiosity. He hops down and joins the table. He casts one more look at Zim. He seemed to be sulking. Dib grinned. At least the bothersome Irken was miserable. As he observed the ceremony, he noticed that the girl who elbowed him, appearently named Winifred Portleyrind, was also sorted into Gryffindor as well. No suprise there.

Then what she told him finally dawned on him. "Oh, God... I'm gonna be stuck with Zim every year until I graduate."


	3. Professor Dad Part 1

Cain sat in the library, sighing and running his now sharp fingers though his hair, not noticing when he draws a little blood. What was Dumbledore thinking? He wasn't fit to be a teacher. He was horrible with kids. They deserved someone better, someone who wouldn't shut down at bad times, or at least someone who wasn't a dropout. Maybe he should go up to him and... no, he needed this job. Not that Dumbledore would fire him for speaking his mind. If anything he would encourage him to keep going. He would never understand the headmaster's logic, no matter how hard he tried.

"Problem?"

Cain looked up from his schedule to the librarian, a witch about his age, with a stern neutral gaze and short dark hair with purple ends.

"P-problem? Th-there's no problem."

She huffs and glares. "Judging by your eyes you are at about 55%."

Cain winced. He didn't even notice...

The librarian sighs, then sits down across from him, picking up a book, opening it without even reading the cover. "If you keep focusing on the past you will never heal."

He looks up at her with a sad expression, then looks down, continuing to run his hand through his hair. She reached out and practially yanked his hand away. There was a little blood on his nails. "You need to stop that. You'll hurt yourself."

He lets her guide his hand away from his head, setting it down on the table. She gets up, moves behind him out of his line of sight, then drops a book in front of him. The title read, 'The Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table'. It was a muggle book. He looks at it.

"Figured you needed a distraction." She said simply, sounding disinterested, but Cain knew better. He looked up and gave her a thankful smile.

"Thank you."

She gives a smile in return. It's small, but it's there. She sits down next to him and pulls out her wand, giving it a flick on the book. "_Geminio._" The book duplicated, and she took the copy, turning to the first page. She looks at him with another smile, this one slightly smug and mysterious. "Shall we?"

Cain smirked back, and the two bookworms read together, forgetting the schedules and the prospect of teaching for a few hours.

(Sorry it's so short. Most of my chapters are broken down into short story pieces. Cain Mister is an OC written by White on the Mystery Kids Discord. He's... interesting to say the least. He's a dad to the kids. Literally. He already adopted some of them. The librarian and Cain have a more sibling like relationship, figured it fit best.)


	4. Professor Dad Part 2

Dipper sat down, quill at the ready, excited for his first day of his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Mabel waved excitedly to him from the other side of the room, clad in Gryffindor red and gold, and interesting contrast to his Ravenclaw blue and bronze. A part of him wished they could have stayed in the same house, but he knew deep down that this was the house he belonged. Besides, at least they still had classes together, and there were other ways they could spend time together.

He looked to his left where a tall lanky boy with messy brown hair and buck teeth was doodling a bunch of boxes. Weird, but not the weirdest thing he's seen all day. Dipper turned to look at the door for a moment, waiting for the teacher. Mr- no, professor... what was his name again? He looked at the schedule and read the name. He frowned thoughtfully. Really? That was his name? That was a joke, right? Did the teachers at Hogwarts have a sense of humor?

The door to the classroom opened, jolting him from his thoughts. A man came through the door. At first glance he seemed perfectly normal, but Dipper's perceptive gaze noticed his oddly pointed ears and... was his eyes glowing yellow? The professor entered the room, standing in front of the class. He let out a sigh, then gave them all a warm smile.

"Hello, class."

"Hello, Professor Dad." The class chimed. Some of them even giggled a bit. The man's face shifted to a confused expression and... was he blushing?

"Wh-what?" He seemed caught off guard.

"That's the name on your schedule, silly!" Mabel piped up.

"It does say that, right?" The lanky boy spoke up in a distinct british accent. "Sorry, still learning to read."

The man seemed stunned for a moment, then carefully picked up the schedule the students received. His face turned slightly red and he sighs again, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Dumbledore..."

Some of the class continued to giggle, including Mabel, as he set the class schedule down. "I'm sorry, there's been a typo of sorts. My name is Cain Mister. You may call me Professor Mister or Mr. Mr., whichever is easier for you."

The class gave a variety of words of understanding, Dipper simply nods.

He sighs again, and Dipper got the impression that Professor Mister wasn't prepared for this. Maybe he was new.

Professor Mister pulled out his wand, then smiles warmly to the class again. "Now, can anyone tell me why this class is so important?" Dipper's hand shot up. "Yes, Mr. Pines?" The words 'Mr. Pines' seemed a bit forced coming from the professor.

"It's to teach us how to protect ourselves from hexs and curses and how to identify and stay safe from paranormal creatures like vampires and werewolves, right?"

Professor Mister nodded and smiled encouragingly. "That's a very good answer, Dipper. Five points to Ravenclaw."

Dipper smiled back, not noticing the professor's slip up with his name. He liked this teacher, despite his strange appearance. A few months ago he would have been suspicous of him, but he was a teacher at a magical school, he couldn't be that bad, right?

"Anyone else?" No one else raised their hand. "Okay, then. So, I suppose today we should just go over the different spells you'll be learning. I don't think you're quite ready to try them out yet with a wand, but just practice their pronunciation. Tomorrow we will begin lessons on the various kinds of ghosts, from the house ghosts like The Bloody Baron or the Fat Friar, to the prankster poltergeist Peeves, and many others that exist outside of the castle walls and how to protect yourself from the dangerous ones."

Dipper took down notes, hanging on to the man's words. He seemed a little awkward, but he was clearly trying. As the hour past he found the professor interesting. He also noticed that while Professor Mister tried to keep to the policy of calling students Mr. and Miss insert-last-name-here, he often slipped up and called them by their first names. He seemed to care about all the students equally, patiently answering any questions they had with a smile.

The class ended, and all of the students stood up. "You don't have any homework, but I reccomend you all read up on the chapter on ghosts. It's actually really good."

Dipper left the class last, casting a glance at the man as he ploped down on his chair and buried his face in his hands, groaning a bit. Something told him that the Professor Dad thing was a prank. Dipper felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at his sister.

"Come on, bro-bro, it's lunch time!" She smiled brightly.

Dipper smiles back. "Okay, let's go."

The two leave for lunch, while Mr. Mr planned on how he would bring this up to the headmaster.


	5. Say That Again, You Will Regret It

"... What did you just call me?"

"I said you were just a filthy Mudblo-"

A loud smacking sound could be heard though the Slytherin common room. The Slytherin boy looked that the blue haired girl, pressing a hand to his stinging face, shocked to say the least. Most fourth years would have just grabbed their wands and threaten to hex anyone who pulled that, but not her. Many of the others looked at this poor first year sap who dared mess with the fiery bluenette, others didn't look their way purely to avoid conflict, and one lone girl with purple hair sat in her corner, ignoring them all as she was engrossed in her video game system she brought to Hogwarts with her and honestly couldn't care less. A gothic girl watched the commotion, her eyes peaking out over her book and looking judgy but smirking from behind the cover.

"You have some nerve." Coraline growled.

The boy finally gained his senses. "How-How _dare _you-"

"You seemed like you needed some sense slapped into you."

"My mother works at the ministery. She'll make sure you regret that!"

Coraline smirked. This wasn't what the boy was expecting. "Sure. Tell her. Tell her in front of the professors. Especially Dumbledore, I'm sure he'd _love_ to hear how you called another kid a disgusting vulgar slang word because of her heritage."

The boy suddenly looked unsure. He glanced around the common room, seeing a combination of annoyed and pitying gazes at him and scared and admiring gazes at her.

"Listen here," she said, sounding dangerous, "I never, _ever _want you to say that word again. To _anyone._ You say that again, and I _will make you regret it._"

The boy nodded frantically, very much intimidated. He stumbles a bit, still cupping his now red cheek, heading to the other side of the common room.

Coraline watches him, scowling, then walks over to the goth girl. She sits down, then, when she's sure the boy wasn't looking, lets her scowl fall and sighs, looking a little down.

Sam sat her book down to the side and gave Coraline a pat on the back. "Don't let those shallow spoiled brats bring you down. You've got more spunk in one finger than most of them have in their pampered bodies."

Coraline looks up and gives her a grateful smile. "Hey, Hogsmeade weekend is coming up, wanna come with?"

Sam smiled. "Sure, sounds like fun. Hey, Gaz!" She called out to the girl with her nose stuck in a video game. "A new candy is being released at Honeydukes, wanna try it out with us?"

Gaz stays quiet for a moment, beating a level in the hundreds, then looks up from it, gumbling a little. "Sure, I'll be there. Now leave me alone." She goes back to pressing buttons, absolutely crushing a boss most people have never seen, much less beaten.

The blunette and the goth gave each other a side hug, appreciating each other's company in the cool Slytherin common room.


End file.
